Female Monologues

KATHERINE G. JOHNSON: There's no bathroom for me here. There is no bathroom. There are no colored bathrooms in this building. Or any building outside the West Campus, which is half a mile away. Did you know that? I have to walk to Timbuktu just to relieve myself. And I can't use one of the handy bikes. Picture that, Mr. Harrison. My uniform. Skirt below my knees, my heels, and a simple string of pearls. Well, I don't own pearls. Lord knows you don't pay coloreds enough to afford pearls! And I work like a dog, day and night, living off of coffee from a pot none of you wanna touch. So, excuse me if I have to go to the restroom a few times a day. MOVIE: HIDDEN FIGURES | CHARACTER: KATHERINE G. JOHNSON | GENDER: FEMALE

KATARINA STRATFORD: I hate the way you talk to me And the way you cut your hair I hate the way you drive my car I hate it when you stare I hate your big dumb combat boots And the way you read my mind I hate you so much that it makes me sick It even makes me ryhme I hate the way you're always right I hate it when you lie I hate it when you make me laugh Even worse when you make me cry I hate the way you're not around And the fact that you didn't call But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. MOVIE: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU | CHARACTER: KATARINA STRATFORD | GENDER: FEMALE

M'LYNN EATENTON: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm FINE! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't!! She never could!! Oh, God. I'm so mad, I don't know what to do!! I wanna know why! I wanna know WHY Shelby's life is over!! I wanna know HOW that baby will EVER know how wonderful his mother was. Will he EVER know what she went THROUGH for him? Oh, God, I wanna know whyyyy! Whhhyyyyy?! Lord, I wish I could understand. No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way. I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first. I-I don't think I can take this. I-I don't think I can take this. I just wanna hit somebody til they feel as bad as I do! I JUST WANNA HIT SOMETHING! I WANNA HIT IT HARD! MOVIE: STEEL MAGNOLIAS | CHARACTER: M'LYNN EATENTON | GENDER: FEMALE

CHER: So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all 'What about the strain on our resources?' But it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not R.S.V.P. So I was, like, totally buggin'. I had to haul *ss to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier! And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. MOVIE: CLUELESS | CHARACTER: CHER | GENDER: FEMALE

ZOE: This is really fascinating, what's going on at this table. Let's take you and Erica. You've been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You'd be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something—forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men— especially older men— are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as f*cked a group as can ever exist. MOVIE: SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE | CHARACTER: ZOE | GENDER: FEMALE

ERIN BROCKOVICH: Yeah. Yeah, sexy, huh? How 'bout this for a number? Six. That's how old my other daughter is, eight is the age of my son, two is how many times I've been married - and divorced; sixteen is the number of dollars I have in my bank account. 850-3943. That's my phone number, and with all the numbers I gave you, I'm guessing zero is the number of times you're gonna call it. MOVIE: ERIN BROCKOVICH | CHARACTER: ERIN BROCKOVICH | GENDER: FEMALE

SARA GOLDFARB: I’m somebody now, Harry. Everybody likes me. Soon, millions of people will see me and they’ll all like me. I’ll tell them about you, and your father, how good he was to us. Remember? It’s a reason to get up in the morning. It’s a reason to lose weight, to fit in the red dress. It’s a reason to smile. It makes tomorrow all right. What have I got Harry, hmm? Why should I even make the bed, or wash the dishes? I do them, but why should I? I’m alone. Your father’s gone, you’re gone. I got no one to care for. What have I got, Harry? I’m lonely. I’m old. Ah, it’s not the same. They don’t need me. I like the way I feel. I like thinking about the red dress and the television and you and your father. Now when I get the sun, I smile. MOVIE: REQUIEM FOR A DREAM | CHARACTER: SARA GOLDFARB | GENDER: FEMALE

To teach thy base thoughts manners: th’art one of those That thinks each woman thy fond, flexible whore If she but cast a liberal eye upon thee; Turn back her head, she’s thine, or amongst the company, By chance drink first to thee. Then she’s quite gone; There’s no means to help her, nay, for a need, Wilt swear unto thy credulous fellow lechers That th’art more in favor with a lady At first sight than her monkey all her lifetime. How many of our sex by such as thou Have their good thoughts paid with a blasted name That never deserved loosely or did trip In path of whoredom beyond cup and lip? But for the stain of conscience and of soul, Better had women fall into the hands Of an act silent than a bragging nothing. There’s no mercy in’t. What durst move you, sir, To think me whorish, a name which I’d tear out From the high German’s throat if it lay ledger there To dispatch privy slanders against me? In thee, I defy all men, their worst hates And their best flatteries, all their golden witchcrafts With which they entangle the poor spirits of fools, Distressed needlewomen, and trade-fall’n wives. Fish that must needs to bite or themselves be bitten, Such hungry things as these may soon betook With a worm fast’ ned on a golden hook: Those are the lecher’s food, his prey; he watches For quarreling wedlocks, and poor shifting sisters: ’Tis the best fish he takes. But why, good fisherman, Have I thought meat for you, that never yet Had angling rod cast towards me? ’Cause, you’ll say, I’m given to sport, I’m often merry, jest. Had mirth no kindred in the world but lust? Oh, shame take all her friends then! But however Thou and the baser world censure my life, I’ll send ’em word by thee, and write so much Upon thy breast, ’cause thou shalt bear’t in mind: Tell them ’twere base to yield where I have conquered. I scorn to prostitute myself to a man, I that can prostitute a man to me: And so I greet thee. Play:- Moll:The Roaring Girl(1607–1610) | Written by: Thomas Middleton and Thomas Dekker

Masha: I am telling you all these things because you write books and they may be useful to you. I tell you honestly, I should not have lived another day if he had wounded himself fatally. Yet I am courageous; I have decided to tear this love of mine out of my heart by the roots. By marrying Medviedenko. Oh, if you knew what it is to love without hope for years and years, to wait for ever for something that will never come! I shall not marry for love, but marriage will at least be a change, and will bring new cares to deaden the memories of the past. Shall we have another drink? Don't look at me with that expression on your face. Women drink oftener than you imagine, but most of them do it in secret, and not openly, as I do. They do indeed, and it is always either vodka or brandy. To your good health! You are so easy to get on with that I am sorry to see you go. PLAY: The Seagull (1895) | WRITTEN BY: Anton Chekhov

Gret: We come to hell through a big mouth. Hell’s black and red. It’s like the village where I come from. There are a river and a bridge and houses. There are places on fire like when the soldiers come. There’s a big devil sat on a roof with a big hole in his arse and he’s scooping stuff out of it with a big ladle and it’s falling down on us, and it’s money, so a lot of the women stop and get some. But most of us are fighting the devils. There are lots of little devils our size, and we get them down all right and give them a beating. There are lots of funny creatures around your feet, you don’t like to look, like rats and lizards, and nasty things, a bum with a face, and fish with legs, and faces on things that don’t have faces on. But they don’t hurt, you just keep going. Well, we’d had worse, you see, we’d had the Spanish. We’d all had family killed. My big son dies on a wheel. Birds eat him. My baby, a soldier run her through with a sword. I’d had enough, I was mad, I hate the bastards. I come out of my front door that morning and shout till my neighbors come out and I said, “Come on, we’re going where the evil comes from and pay the bastards out.”And they all come out just as they were from baking or from washing in their aprons, and we push down the street and the ground opens up and we go through a big mouth into a street just like ours but in Hell. I’ve got a sword in my hand from somewhere and I fill a basket with gold cups they drink out of down there. You just keep running on and fighting, you didn’t stop for anything. Oh, we give them devils such a beating. Play: top girls (1982) | written by: Caryl Churchill